Recently, my husband and I were at a friend's house and a bunch of us were talking about how we have never been taught to resolve conflict. No one in that room had had a teacher that taught conflict resolution nor were there any classes on it.
As a group, we were watching videos from an excellent series title, "Sacred Marriage" and no one had been taught about conflict resolution which is needed in any communication!
During my nursing career, I did have some conflict resolution classes or classes dealing with difficult people as nurses work with the public, all day long. Our leaders wanted to give us as many tools as possible to support a win/win situation during tough emotional situations. While sometimes the conflict gets personal, it's easier to not get emotionally attached to the outcome when what is happening at work and which won't be taken home--at least most of the time. There are those days, though, where no matter what you do, say, or don't do, nothing works and you walk away in distress and your emotions are churning for the rest of the day. Significant others, beware!
What about in the home? How does a couple resolve conflict in the home? Depending on what it is and as long as it is safe to stay in the home, we were taught a couple of tools in the many parenting classes we took (yes, parenting doesn't come with a manual).
One of the tools was to show children in the home that the couple's relationship is the most important one in the home. Suggestions in how to do this:
The couple was encouraged to sit together on the couch when they both got home prior to the evening routine, and chat about each of their days. That way, any tension could be released right away and not held in to come out in a volatile way later at something unrelated.
In an argument, the couple was encouraged to sit facing each other and hold hands and look at each other while talking it out. Holding hands and fighting is hard to do!
There are many other tools for handling conflict such as writing a letter and subsequently throwing it away, journaling, agreeing to a cooling-off period with a commitment to chat later, as well as evaluating what words and tones each were using in the arguement.
This one I have to share and it came from a couple in the marriage group: In an arguement, the woman would raise her dress or blouse above her breasts and flash her husband.
That's it! I started laughing so hard when this genleman shared his conflict resolution tool idea as what likely would happen many (but not all) times, is both partners would be distracted and likely start laughing! Have conflict and laughter....together relieves the tension and emotional charge so communication can more easily happen.
As of this writing, I had not had the opportunity to use this tool but the ladies that night committed to try this out to see what happens! If you decide to try it out, please contact me and let me know how it went. Your feedback is very valuable, as are you!
With encouragement on your and my journey using these tools,
Nancy