I'm currently reading Brene Brown's Dare To Lead. On pages 110-111 in the large print edition, she writes, "... clear is kind" when talking about having tough conversations. This blog is about whether clear communication is kind and what type of communication brings clarity. Side note: Brene Brown's book is a must read!
I don't believe I'm the only one who has had unclear communications in tough and not-so-tough conversations and also perpetuated unclear messages with how I used my words. As an example, in some emails that I write, I use the terms, this, that, or them. While this might work with verbal communication when someone is in front of you and you can tell if they are understanding what you are saying, I have found that for me, it doesn't work in the written word. And, with verbal communication, it's still always best to clearly communicate. Why make someone wonder or "try" to figure out what you are trying to say? Just say it...clearly and concisely.
I'll start with the written word. When I use this, that, or them in the written word (and likely other words), the person reading it has to "figure out" what person/s or situation/s I'm referring to and may even get it wrong. That's because the written communication is not clear as the this, that, or them could be in different paragraphs and there could be multiple parties involved.
Why does this happen? It happens due to an assumption on my part that the person reading it understands what I am saying. But they don't as I'm not being clear. Is this being kind in my communications? No. "Clear is kind," Brene says.
This also happens in verbal conversations with others. Saying EXACTLY what we mean and meaning EXACTLY what we say is a skill and takes practice. IT DOES NOT COME NATURALLY. We get to become aware of our assumptions when talking and make sure we get rid of them by saying EXACTLY what we mean using words that the other person would understand. As an RN an example would be, I can talk to doctors using medical terms, but I get to change my words with those who don't have the same medical background. But when talking to doctors or non-medical individuals, I still would not use this, that, them, or other words that don't clearly state who or what I am talking about. I think about the goal-setting term, SMART, where S stands for Specific. In my words and communication, if I am specific, I will be clear, which is kind (no bullying allowed).
So, what happens if communications are not clear? What are the repercussions? I myself, reading or hearing unclear communications, have felt uncertain, and unclear in what the person is or was intending to say. Hence, my energy is now engaged in attempting to figure out if the relationship is OK or what is happening, as I now reach out for clarification. So, more work and brain power are being used to clarify and remove my uncertainty. Assumptions may be made and could lead to coworkers going down a different path than the one intended or arguments could ensue which never should happen.
Being clear in our communications supports less energy being wasted on wondering about what is attempting to be said. Being clear puts everyone on a solid foundation versus the opposite when communications are unintentionally unclear (or intentionally unclear).
I have taken up Brene Bown's statement of "clear is kind" as a mantra because WORDS AND HOW WE USE THEM ARE SO IMPORTANT! At work and when writing emails, I now intentionally delay sending some of them and repeatedly reread the emails to ensure I am saying exactly what I want to say while saying it clearly and specifically in each paragraph. Clear communication provides for clarity.
With practice, I hope clarity will become second nature to me, so I don't have to intentionally work at it. But for now, intentionally working at clear communication it is and I am excited to see where this leads me!
Will you join me on this journey?
Nancy Williams