What is Shame? What is guilt? And is there a difference?
I have been bombarded in my life with both, including a different type of guilt that I call a guilt trip.
So, what is the difference?
According to Brene Brown, in her book Rising Strong, the difference between shame and guilt "lies in the way we talk to ourselves." (pg. 194)
Do we focus on behavior or on ourselves trying to be perfect?
When we focus on ourselves, we tend to compare ourselves to others, which leads to shame. Most of the time, we see ourselves as not as good as we "should" be, which leads to us tearing ourselves down internally via shaming. Others do this to us, and we do it to ourselves!
Guilt is more related to what we do, such as when we do something against our conscience or what we think is right. An example would be stealing from work or the grocery store. We all know that this isn't right, and we would feel guilty about what we "did" (our behavior). We can acknowledge our guilt, face it, and make amends, or we can give ourselves guilt trips (continually rehearsing what we did wrong and beating ourselves up about what we did), leading to the shaming of ourselves.
Guilt can lead to shame if we internally take what we did and tie it to who we are (our character). If we talk to ourselves after completing an act that ends up with us feeling guilty, and we start beating ourselves up by saying things like, "What a screwup I am," "I will never measure up," "No one will ever love me," we enter the shame blame game. In this way, guilt can lead to shaming. We shame ourselves. But it doesn't have to be this way!
So, what is the remedy?
In Matthew 22:39, God says to "...love your neighbor as yourself." This points to the fact that we are to love ourselves and then love our neighbor similarly. The type of love we are to have towards ourselves and our neighboris the same type of love God has for us. God looks upon us with compassion, full acceptance, and unconditional love—no shaming or guilt trips.
As we accept this love and bask in it, we can begin to extend this same type of love to ourselves and others as "trying" to love ourselves doesn't work. We get to first realize that we are loveable and accepted, just as we are. We were created for a purpose and have value, being created in the image of God, Himself! When we realize this, we can let go of the shame blame game and the guilt trips we give ourselves.
Read the gospel of John and then Matthew. See who Jesus is and the source of life available through Him and His love for you and all of us. Reach out to us if you have any questions; we are happy to set up a time to answer them.
Blessings on your journey,
Nancy